For 22 and 1/2 years i have mostly walked and for probably a year or so crawled on God's green earth! I have experienced many things in life, joy and pain, pleasure and sadness. I have loved and i have lost and i have grieved and given thanks. I have drank too much, i have sworn too much.
I had a brilliant relationship with a girl i was very much in love with and i mucked it up. Now where i used to go out and spend time with her on a saturday i find myself clocking up major xbox live hours, the odd bottle of wine and plenty of Sci-Fi.
I don't seem like the model person do i? But i'm just being honest.
I have always professed to be a follower of Jesus Christ, i don't claim to know all the answers, or preach that you will go to hell if you don't turn from your heathenistic ways. I have drifted and come close and drifted again. I may not be a model christian in the sense that the world thinks a model christian should be.
Simply put i believe in unconditional love. For it is the love that Jesus gave to us all. I have always tried to live a life of love. I may love too much and it may cause me to get hurt more often than i'd like but it's the sacrifice i make.
I have never cared for myself, for many years as a youth i used to self harm, more recently this self harm has probably come from overthinking the way things used to be, hanging on to the past, whisky, poisoning my mind with things of the earth, i waste my money on coffee and coca cola, and xbox and dvds.
I am drifter with nowhere to call home. I don't go to church, i left my church back home when i was going through a very bad patch in my life, deep down im still bitter that some of them still haven't called to see if im alright, but again im just being honest, i know they have busy lives and families and jobs and problems that are way more important than mine. But then isn't church meant to be one big family, when i hurt they hurt? I miss my church back home and i remember them often, i had very many precious times there and i am thankful for those who have helped me since the age of 14/15 discover who i am and for the chance to develop my gifts.
As i shared last week about the friend who left me the egg and note, i have the privilege of having some amazing people in my life. I am thankful for the times that i have been able to be there for my friends, to share their burdens, to offer my advice, to sit in silence with them and to pray for them.
I know that i may never be happy with myself, the devil knows exactly how to bring me down. He tells me i'll never get married and that i'll be alone for the rest of my life, and that i'll be stuck in a desk job wasting away and getting gray hairs. I have recently finished reading Rob Bell's Velvet Elvis, quite a good read, but really it was the last section in the book that hit me on the head. Difficulty, Suffering and Hope
to be this kind of person - the kind who selflessly serves - takes everything a person has. It is difficult. It is demanding... Which is why we are reclaiming the simple fact that Jesus said the way is narrow...Most of the messages we receive are about making life easier. The call of Jesus goes the other direction: it's about making our lives more difficult. It's going out of our way to be more generous,disciplined and loving and free. It's refusing to escape and be numb and to check out of this broken, fractured world....not only is the way narrow but it involves suffering. to truly engage with how the world is our hearts are going to be broken again and again...
Whilst i don't profess to be exactly like this, i do believe in his words. I understand that i need to suffer if i am ever going to be effective in this world. I wonder what kind of person other people think i am. I think i have rambled enough for today! but do read and challenge me if i've said anything wrong. But i will leave you with a challenge.
Be real, be honest. The other day a close friend was open and honest with me and we prayed through somethings, this person now has a little more clarity on the situation. Prayer does work, and being honest helps, No cover-ups, no masks, just plain open honesty
Hey Niall, been following your blog and just wanted to say hang in there, God is with you.
ReplyDeleteAlso regarding the quote about suffering and loving unconditionally, I think it's impossible (humanly speaking). We can try and try to be good all the time but it just leaves us feeling depressed and bitter and empty (and sometimes I ask myself for how long can a person run on empty?)
I don't think Jesus wants us to give of ourselves until we are spent, he wants us to give out of the abundance he fills us with through his spirit - HIS love and joy and peace, not ours... easier said than done though, isn't it? Which is why like you said we need to be honest with God (and his family)and tell him we're hurting and finding it difficult and need his grace - that's what abiding in Jesus is all about, isn't it? Again, easier said than done but when we trust him, he does come through.
Maybe as Christians we need to be more loving to one another as Jesus commanded. I read this quote once: 'he loves the world, therefore he does not need to love his neighbour.' I really hope it doesn't describe us in the church.
I am not a Christian and I have never professed to be. But I still share your emotions. The constant feeling that you are giving your all to people but getting nothing in return. I feel like I'm trying my best at everything, but am constantly told it's not enough. Eventually, it gets to you, it wears you down. And however hard I try, I can't seem to let those comments pass by without profound effect on my mental state. Your comment on self harm struck me - I have been there, and wish never to go back, but I wouldn't ever change what happened. All I know is that, ironically, I'm a better person for getting through it. And you will too.
ReplyDeleteI don't really know why I'm writing this, I guess it's just comforting to know that someone out there shares how I feel at a time when it seems like the whole world is passing by nonchalantly.
thank you for your comments and it is appreciated that you can empathise!
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