Honesty

I have entitled todays blog honesty, i feel like being honest today.  This is long, so stay the course

For 22 and 1/2 years i have mostly walked and for probably a year or so crawled on God's green earth!  I have experienced many things in life, joy and pain, pleasure and sadness.  I have loved and i have lost and i have grieved and given thanks.  I have drank too much, i have sworn too much.

I had a brilliant relationship with a girl i was very much in love with and i mucked it up.  Now where i used to go out and spend time with her on a saturday i find myself clocking up major xbox live hours, the odd bottle of wine and plenty of Sci-Fi.

I don't seem like the model person do i? But i'm just being honest.

I have always professed to be a follower of Jesus Christ, i don't claim to know all the answers, or preach that you will go to hell if you don't turn from your heathenistic ways.  I have drifted and come close and drifted again.  I may not be a model christian in the sense that the world thinks a model christian should be.

Simply put i believe in unconditional love.  For it is the love that Jesus gave to us all.  I have always tried to live a life of love.  I may love too much and it may cause me to get hurt more often than i'd like but it's the sacrifice i make.  

I have never cared for myself, for many years as a youth i used to self harm, more recently this self harm has probably come from overthinking the way things used to be, hanging on to the past, whisky, poisoning my mind with things of the earth, i waste my money on coffee and coca cola, and xbox and dvds.  

I am drifter with nowhere to call home. I don't go to church, i left my church back home when i was going through a very bad patch in my life, deep down im still bitter that some of them still haven't called to see if im alright, but again im just being honest, i know they have busy lives and families and jobs and problems that are way more important than mine.  But then isn't church meant to be one big family, when i hurt they hurt?  I miss my church back home and i remember them often, i had very many precious times there and i am thankful for those who have helped me since the age of 14/15 discover who i am and for the chance to develop my gifts.

As i shared last week about the friend who left me the egg and note, i have the privilege of having some amazing people in my life.  I am thankful for the times that i have been able to be there for my friends, to share their burdens, to offer my advice, to sit in silence with them and to pray for them.

I know that i may never be happy with myself, the devil knows exactly how to bring me down.  He tells me i'll never get married and that i'll be alone for the rest of my life, and that i'll be stuck in a desk job wasting away and getting gray hairs.  I have recently finished reading Rob Bell's Velvet Elvis, quite a good read, but really it was the last section in the book that hit me on the head.  Difficulty, Suffering and Hope

to be this kind of person - the kind who selflessly serves - takes everything a person has.  It is difficult.  It is demanding...  Which is why we are reclaiming the simple fact that Jesus said the way is narrow...Most of the messages we receive are about making life easier.  The call of Jesus goes the other direction: it's about making our lives more difficult.  It's going out of our way to be more generous,disciplined and loving and free.  It's refusing to escape and be numb and to check out of this broken, fractured world....not only is the way narrow but it involves suffering.  to truly engage with how the world is our hearts are going to be broken again and again...

Whilst i don't profess to be exactly like this, i do believe in his words.  I understand that i need to suffer if i am ever going to be effective in this world.  I wonder what kind of person other people think i am.  I think i have rambled enough for today! but do read and challenge me if i've said anything wrong.  But i will leave you with a challenge.

Be real, be honest.  The other day a close friend was open and honest with me and we prayed through somethings, this person now has a little more clarity on the situation.  Prayer does work, and being honest helps, No cover-ups, no masks, just plain open honesty

Geeeeeeeeezzzzzzzz

Why oh why have i not posted in so long!

I went to Rome and it was awesome! A really beautiful city and a fantastic culture, i could see myself retiring there.  The food was awesome! Pizza, Pasta, Beer.  The Stadio Olimpico was intense! Italians are crazy passionate about their football! Thank goodness Roma won that night!  Neiller and Paul were awesome travel buddies and much banter was had and stories shared in the Yellow bar opposite Hostel Positano!

Italian women, yes yes! no more needs to be said.

I would recommend anyone goes to Rome at some stage in their life! The only thing i can think of that would of made my holiday better would have if i was their with a girlfriend, but oh well! 

February was a relatively interesting month.  God really tested me, life really tested me and i am still being tested.  Relationships are very very complicated things and there are friends that i have who have come out of them due to various reasons.  

There is much i want to say, but much i cant.

I am tired, and i am upset with how things turn out sometimes.

I am a firm believer in the nice guys get nothing camp, but i'm learning to deal with it.

I still have no clue as to what i want to do in life, but its ok, living for each day is much better than living for the future! but some future planning wouldn't go a miss!

Today was a good day though! I came back to my room today after dinner to find a note and easter egg the note said that i had managed to save a friend from a dark path.  I thank God for this day.

I cooked today too! from scratch honey chili chicken! i was quite chuffed! 

anyways! thats enough from me!